07/15/2004 - 2:30 a.m. | every moment's a little bit later

What do I think the best part about being drunk is? Sobering up. It's good to be thinking clearly again, I think. Surviving in the perpetual fog is all fine and good, and I'm getting better all the time, but who the fuck wants that? Depressives, that's who.

Recent purchases: a.) $1 bottle of melatonin from Walgreens. I wasn't entirely sure what this was going to do to me if I took it. Justin thought it had something to do with skin tone, and I thought maybe sleep. I was closer. In theory, melatonin is hormone that controls sleep cycles, so taking it is supposed to normalize them. Fuck that. I've worked very hard to make mine abnormal, thank you very much. b.) "Abs and Chest of Steel" VHS tape (2000). Shelly won't get pierced - prolly ever - but she seemed more inclined if she had a "hot tummy," so we're going to work out together. And not some bullshit tennis-with-Kyle thing where they play maybe a third of the times they say they will. Nope. We will burn the, well, skin off our tummies. Next up, rock climbing, which I missed today and was sorely pissed about.

I guess karma is a family man (See previous entry) because I got totally dicked today. I had my little cycle of errands all planned out, including a very large deposit at the bank so that I would not be overdrawn, and suddenly I can't find last week's paycheck at all. This begins the 90 minute countdown into a mindsnap. I'm throwing shit around the room, digging through all of the trash (ALL), retracing my steps in meticulous detail. Like I said, I have some sort of reasonable talent for this. Still, after all of it, no dice. Depression appears to be looming. In almost a joke to myself, I reach down into the couch cushions (Had I even sat there recently?) and there it is. Logic has flown out the window. With my heart.

I don't like the new girl at the candy store almost right off the bat. I get there, and she tells me what chores Jane has left me to do. "Some of the Pucker Powder bottles won't come unscrewed. It looks like someone tightened them too much. Did you do it?!" What the fuck, you psycho? Anyway, about three seconds of observation and I realized that the stuck bottles were all bent out of their spots, and that's why they were so hard to move. Fucking accusations make me angrier than anything. Nessers sent me a bizarre care package today including 1) the Ugliest Scarf in the World, which I love 2) Confederacy of Dunces, loaner or for good? 3) An old English paper written by her 4) A worksheet with helpful tips about anger management on it. It cheered me up thoroughly.

Ah, yes. Monday was sort of my hellish day. Class for the shortest time possible (Only a week left, and look at all the marketing I have learned!!), donuts, and then Hot Topic. Still training, but at least I can use the register now. Surprisingly, this place seems better than both the candy store and the Buckle for girls coming to check me out. Not all of them are goths either. However, all of them are about 17 years or so. And there is still the part where I can't tell the difference between conversation and flirting. Luckily, I have other employees to tell me. I'm trying very hard to make the best of my huge discount - I'll get some navel piercing shit, of course, and I think maybe some henna tattoo junk so I can scrawl "PRISON" across my forearm with a fucking frosting tube (Spritz's idea)... and a mood ring?? - but if I can keep this job past the season, there are an insane amount of perks. For one thing, I pretty much never have to pay for a concert again. As long as I give the company notice and fill out a "fashion report" afterwards, they'll reimburce me for any shows I go see. Fucking awesome! And I guess they offer a lot in the way of tuition assistance and scholarships, which I think would be absolutely hilarious. Hot Topic got me through school, thank you. Then a break and then poor Justin came to the candy store with me for my closing shift. What a sucky visit it must have been for him. Mostly sitting around and doing jack shit. What can I say? I'm kind of a boring guy.

One is going to have to sort out this thing with wicca chick one way or another. So, I make it all the way to closing with no sign of her, and I'm mopping and singing and shit, and guess who shows up? So, polite thing to do would be to go over and talk to her, so I continue mopping and singing. We kind of yell back and forth about how she wants to do something and how I have to lie about something something. "My friend is in town - my guy friend - and we have to do guy things like arm wrestle and kill deer." "Well, you can bring your friend along." I think she thinks this is all one big flirtation. She certainly acts like it. And please don't wear shorts, thank you. "I can't hear you very well!" Subtle girl hint. "Yeah, the music is pretty loud." Shot down. So, she tells me to meet her in the same spot as last time (Oh, God, we have a spot), and I immediately being freaking out. I was so peaceful and happy, and now I have to think up lies or something. Shit! So, while helpful Justin tries to come up with a fake name ("I need something badass... like Douggie!"), I start having him test out fake moans of pain and invent this backstory about Chinese food from hell. And then we go and meet them and ... sigh. I'm so mean. Ms. Assman (Yes, that would be Angela's last name. Well, A�man, I guess, but who ever has time to type that weird like beta thing?) can't even get Girl Code right. "Well, I wouldn't have to visit so much if I had your phone number..." "Yeah, sucks about that, huh? Man of mystery and all." They talked about wanting to make homemade Blizzards, which is actually a very cute idea, but then Justin and I kept cackling about it afterwards. I'm a bad, bad man, and I do not deserve the Magic Bullet super fucking blender thing. But that doesn't mean those bitches couldn't take off one easy payment of $33! It was a drunken rage for me, I'm sure.

And then Tuesday I slept forever and Justin had to leave, so yes... more suck for him. I'm sorry, dude. I was supposed to go somewhere or do something, but I was not feeling that productive, so I just cleaned and did laundry very slowly all day long, pretty much in the same stupor. With steaks and/or shakes. Today was a fun night at the candy store. This group of kids came in, and I thought they were gonna be punks, but they were from a church group or something, so I was exactly wrong. They had been sent out into the mall on some assignment to get as much as they could for one dollar, and I guess we seemed like the most likely place to go. I rang up so, so many bags with 2 Jelly Bellys or 3 M&Ms in them. And then I was all happy because this Spanish-speaking couple came into the store, and I got to help them out. I mean, my Spanish is ass, of course, and to them I probably sounded like a retarded third grader, but it was fun to actual be useful for once. It honestly kind of makes me want to take Spanish again. How sick is that? And it's been like the fourth time this really cute girl has come into the store closer to close, and I think she works there, and it would be awesome if she had a crush on me, but like I said, karma and I are at odds right now. I have an idea for a t-shirt along these lines... except karma took the one fabric paint brush I really want to use, so I'm just going to soak in depression until then.

When mopping the store after close, I shut off all of the main lights and hid behind the candy islands for as much of the time as I could. I don't know if it worked or if I was just lucky, but I made it out OK for tonight. No encounters. Not that I didn't have two excuses lined up in advance. I suppose eventually something must be done, but I think I will go with the interesting alternative of trying to hook up with the albino while in the presence of the wiccan. That way, maybe I can destroy a friendship as well as a girl's heart!! OK, no wonder the world wants retribution. Damn these sinister thoughts! They are only topped by the paranoid ones, in which I now fear that every person walking by is her or that she is hiding by my car or that she will be sitting on my front steps. I need a grappling hook. In general, I mean.

Maybe I'm a little snapped out of my recent emo attitude, I'm not even sure. But, I've got to get my head on straight again, and I think I might be at least on the right path. The right hemisphere, if not the right path. I am unhappy with the current system. Fine, whatever. Fucking do something about it then. If you are unhappy with the way things are going for you, change the way you do things. Don't bitch because girls aren't aggressive - just be aggressive yourself. No more bullshit - I can't even stand to hear it myself. It's so amazing to have clean clothes. I don't have to pretend that this t-shirt or pair of boxers doesn't smell too much like sweaty balls and that I could probably pass if off as clean. It's just plain clean. How refreshing. Aw, sleepy.