07/09/2004 - 12:06 a.m. | something is going wrong

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT Okay, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to drink a little to even start and wrap my mind around that fucking psychotic notion, Jesus Christ. Okay, so I was at work for my three hours, you know, whatever, and there's been this kind of shortish albino-y chick who has been coming in a lot whenever I work. Fine, a crush, I thought. Just as long as you leave me alone. Who the hell ever does what I want, though? So, she [Nameless mystery] and her friend [Angela] pretty much spend the whole night popping in and out of the store every twenty minutes. Like I said, I'm not especially interested in the first, and I'm really not interested in the second (Sorry, Nate Walsh is shallow!), and they keep coming in for various made-up reasons. I do my best to be an ass, which I guess is actually a lot closer to flirting than I might have thought? Fuck if I can tell. But I'm subtly (or not so subtly) trying to tell them to GTFO, but they aren't. Fine, whatever. Store closes eventually. So I give them the boot at 9ish, and I'm doing the paperwork in the back, and I hear someone tap on the door. It's Angela. "Are you doing anything tonight?" Just LIE, Nate. Just fucking LIE. "No, not really." "Do you want to hang out with us?" "Um... OK." Listen, it was either that or sit at home and work on my sublimely ridiculous D&D campaign. I need something to write about for you people, don't I?

So, we're going to some fucking park to hang out, all right, and I'm following them, and once again girls prove themselves worthy and get way ahead of me until I have no idea where they are. Fine. Gods have spoken. I go home. Then, as I'm walking back to the apartment from my isolated parkjob and laughing hysterically at Justin's voicemail (in which he sings the entirety of the "Family Matters" theme), guess who pulls up? Helpful hint: When they ask where you live, LIE. LIE LIE LIE. "Okay, yes, I'll go to the park with you. Just let me grab my knife."

Nate tries to look up. At least the one nameless girl has fascinating boobs, right? And she seems to maybe be interested. And again, good story to tell. Well, we get to this park, and everything fucking goes batshit. Ten minutes in, for no apparent reason, Nameless Girl decides to go all emo or something and pretty much keeps running off into the night whenever we approach, old school Kyle style. Oh, this is a great introduction to these people. One of them isn't even trying to hide her psychosis. Somewhat concerned ("Should we follow her? Is this some sort of Girl Code that I am supposed to make out with her behind bushes? Why is she crazy?"), I stand around awkwardly with Angela and try to make conversation. As I'd been talking to Nameless most of the night, this is not as easy as it would seem. I hum a fucking lot. We lost sight of Nameless after a while, and since we are in this scary fucking park filled with serial killers, I suggest we walk around and make sure Nameless is at least in sight. I'm doing my very best to keep things non-awkward with Angela - failing - and we finally catch sight of Nameless by some horse statues. She runs off again, and Angela and I sit down, her on horse, me on some kid. Fucking when is this night gonna end? I need some drugs or poison quick. It starts to drizzle.

Next lesson: "You wanna hear something weird?" SAY NO. "Yeah, OK." "It'll probably freak you out." DEFINITELY SAY NO NOW. "Nah, go 'head." "Well, my dad... I wouldn't say he's psychic or anything, but he gets these weird pictures inside of his head sometimes. Like once, he actually predicted a winning lottery ticket - he just forgot to buy the stupid thing." "Oh." "So, anyway, two years ago, he told me that in two years I would meet this boy with red hair in the rain, and I would like him a lot." OH FUCK RUN NATE RUN "Oh. How odd.... I dye my hair, you know?" "I never thought it was gonna come true at the time, but here it is raining! Freaky, huh?" "Yes. Freaky." And things only go downhill from there. She starts telling me how everyone in her family has died and how depressed she is and about her poetry and how she's really been into wicca lately, and I'm thinking, "Oh, fuck! Get me out! I'm just going to run! I swear to God I'm just going to run!" while on the outside I'm like, "Wicca, huh? Neat." And we're walking again, and now I'm all nervous that she is going to fucking propose to me, and she's like, "It's weird how you met [Nameless] first, and she talked to you all the time, and now she's not here, and you're talking to me instead. It's like things happen for a reason." And I kind of smile and nod and think, "I've never really spoken this long to an honest-to-God crazy person before. I should ask her if any of the voices have hilarious accents." So, maybe third lap around this park ("Where am I?! I don't even know where this place is!"), Nameless comes fling across the park like a bat out of hell, so so pissy about God only knows what. Does this have something to do with me? What the hell is going on? Silent rage from her all the way back here, even as Angela silently slips me her phone number on a deposit slip. My first instinct was to light it on fire right there in front of her, and I'm practically crying now with the pent-up hilarity of this situation, and we get back, and Nameless doesn't say a word, and I just run. Flat out run all the way inside. I might have to quit my job at the candy store. I might have to fucking move.

I was thinking to myself today: Am I really such a bad person? I sat there thinking about my apparent lack of sensitivity and moodiness and whatever else and decided yes. Yes, I am. And along came karma to totally kick my ass with it. I need to go fake smoke a cigarette. Angela told me she hated smokers. Anything is progress.