05/30/2004 - 2:22 a.m. | dept. of social conduct

I know, I know. I'm a massive flake. I pulled the classic "staying at Shawn's house" trick on Kyle and Yousaf tonight ("Naw, man - watchin' a movie at Yousaf's" ... "Naw, man - watchin' a movie at Kyle's") so that I could sit here and do essentially nothing. And I think I asked them to both wait for me. Shit, I'm an asshole.

And then there is a worrisome prospect. Actually, 3 worrisome prospects (in no particular order): 1) So, wait... am I working tomorrow or not? I was supposed to be filling in for the one chick (Chikondi - how 'bout that?), and then she was gonna fill in for me next weekend, but then I got a call and I'm supposed to be training some new girl (??), and the head of the store is coming in what the fuck I DUNNO, and maybe in the process I volunteered to work both weekends? I have no God damn idea. I guess I'll just stupidly lope in. Better than stupidly calling, right? Sort of. 2) Nympho chick and I are liking each other way more than we are letting on. This is just strange all over. 3) All of my clothes smell, why am I not doing laundry? I swear that these jammie pants are actually shooting off little green smell lines.

You're just lucky I don't do anything, all right? As I predicted at some point in the past, yesterday's activites were diving amongst dungeons, dragons, and Harry Potter. Oh, Christ. Kyle comes in, "Want free food at my parents'?" "No, have to keep working on the campaign." It was sort of fun, though, to just sit around in boxers and listens to the Gourds (HINT: New alt-country 4 N8! Old 97's growing too popular amongst his circle of friends! Even if that is his own damn fault!) and work and work, and yet still emerge entirely unproductive. Kyle, Shelly, Yousaf, and I went to see The Day After Tomorrow, which I remember thinking was really, really great at the time, but now I can't put together why. I mean, Jake Gyllenhaal is a fox and all, and I always love the first part of disaster movies where everything is going to shit and you get to see some wacky deaths but most are just kind of ignored into "general" and then we focus on some tiny group of people who are important to us somehow (OH NO! He has cancer!!), and the love interest was cute, and the fucking WOLVES (didn't see any foreshadowing there, hmm?), and the hilarious Cheney and Bush clones (Cheney clone goes, "FFA wants us to ground all flights." Bush clone goes, "What do you think we should do?"), and the weird liberal messages, and Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith using a Mac to put the virus in the alien mothership. Oh yeah, the movie fucking rocked. I'm pretty sure I would be one of the unseen, comparatively boring deaths. Wahhh wahhh. If I did survive, though, I would like to think that I'd be the ninja badass that Jake was. "I will lure the wolves away!" Climb, thonk, smash, thonk. Amazing!! How bad this is!

Two CapriSuns - one for me, and one for the spirits. I took notes on work today - little picture notes that I will share with you momentarily (summarized into boring old words, of course), but first! On my break, entirely out of the blue, I ... well, first I went to the Buckle. No hours again. Keep it up, guys; this is actually the perfect arrangement. Also, Heather gave me her phone number and invited me to come to Cowboy Monkey with everybody on Monday night! :D Acceptance is my bread and butter. OK, then from there, I went to get a PHB (which I always type as PHP because I think in Stupid Country) and instead drifted to the back and bought some tarot cards. What is my fascination with phony methods of divination? As opposed to the authentic methods, stupid ass. Anyway, I want to play around with those later, but I figure I'd better appease the sprits with some Juice Drink Blend. Actually, I just had suspicions that Splash Cooler� and Mountain Cooler� were the same damn thing. You proved me wrong, CapriSun. This boy is convinced.

As for work, being on my own is great. I got to open the store up and do everything on my own, and they sure as fuck couldn't stop me from inhaling the helium and singing along with Jessica Simpson (who has now, it turns out, completed merged with Shelly in my mind - as far as I am concerned, they are the same person, and she just swells and contracts her breasts as necessary). "With nothin' but a t-shirt on! Never felt so beautiful!" Listening to ass radio station for so long did give me about ten (failed) opportunites to win free tickets to the Harry Potter movie. And luckily, the sons of bitches scheduling must have known that I was the type of cretin to be at that junk opening day, so they gave me it off. Anyway, being alone leaves me with so much power. OK, not really, but there are so many little things your brain starts to come up with. There are all these little Bob the Builder figurines with their arms up, and I wanted to draw on little mustaches and put up a sign that said "HEIL!" And then these weird bears that appeared to be wearing fur coats themselves... OK, I know for a fact that they would be opposed to fur trading. Honestly, the ideas I get. "FUR IS MURDER" And then I found this hummingbird puppet and started having conversations with it about nectar. He was sort of this Mexican junkie. For whatever reason, there is this little green rock by the register that says "Gratitude is the heart's memory." No one knows how it got here, but I'm sure glad it did, because I am inspired by it every time... as soon as I figure out what the shit it means.

People, hmm? OK, I love the kids who point out that we sell candy in the candy store as they walk by with their family. "CANDY!!!" I will teach my children to be eloquent and clever. They will get rocks thrown at them if they yell out mere nouns. Speaking of, another little shit pulled on one of the colored M&Ms dispensors. OK, listen - I know I am exceptionally bright, but even very little kids should be able to fathom this. All right, candy store, OK? With me so far? And people fill up bags of candy with stuff like M&Ms, right? OK, so! What would pulling the handle of something that dispenses M&Ms into a bag do if the bag weren't there? They aren't going to float, I swear to God. I was happy with the mom who made her son pay for like the handful of M&Ms dropped - and he didn't even get to eat them. 8 cents, beyotch! Meanwhile, the sluts just come out younger and younger. Couldn't have been 11, and she's wearing shortest skirt ever and some low cut tank top and talking about the fucking Pucker Powder, "Man! I get so sugared up last time!" God, how long before you're talking about Keystone Lights at KAMS. Society is advancing far too quickly, and me and my fake, occasional Scottish accent can only do so much - it came out today in an effort to impress certain people. It helped, I think, but some didn't require it. Apparently, Law of Averages states that for every, dunno, 25 people that come into the store, I can attract 1 of them on pure, shallow appearance. The one who thought my eyes were pretty (Should wear more blue, right, to bring that out? Yeah, well, maybe I don't want to play to my strengths, so few that they be) was all right, but the other one! WOW. She was sooooo pretty and cute in her red skirt and white shirt and AWWW. Meanwhile, her friend "Puberty Went Nuts & Gave Me These" kept getting her fat head in the way of us checking each other out. That was a good one, guys. That one made me happy. And it never needs to go further. The slight boost to my self-esteem is better than anything I could ever get. ANYTHING. Chikondi came in at 1. The girl can talk. This I don't mind, though, I promise. She's very nice, and she seems to like me, even if it's for the exact reason people always like people like me. I listen a hell of a lot more than I talk. I mean, not here, obviously. This is where that all comes out. But I like to listen so much more, and I don't give a fuck if no one asks me nothing never, and then people think you're so kind and intelligent and whatever. Why does this work? Why have so many been tricked? Surprisingly high success rate considering it's all because I think I'm a bore anyway.

Ooh - I bought a whole bunch of little stuffed ants, and I'm going to make a colony. Right now.