04/26/2004 - 3:24 p.m. | looks good to hang anywhere!

6 voicemails in my inbox this morning. 6 voicemails of increasing desperation. Regarding the sixth paragraph of yesterday's diary entry, as you have no doubt guessed, but I was still a little sleepy to catch that right away. Not that I was blowing anyone off intentionally (although I am quite capable, some of you). I was just doing the usual post-crossing crash with my phone charging, but it would appear bells and whistles were going off pretty much everywhere else.

So I talked to my parents about my little experiment this weekend. They read the diary, you know, so I guess you could sort of say I was tossing that information out there to see how it would sit with them. And like they said, am I really that surprised at their reaction? What exactly was I expecting? "Good job, old sport! Keep up the good work with the OTC medicine abuse!" Or, like when they read about our little drinking adventures: "Just be careful," to which I reply, "I'm always careful." I dunno, maybe I thought because they lived in a different time, they would understand better, having tried God-knows-what themselves. Then again, maybe I miss authority figures in my life, so I had rustle some up. I mean, there's no better way to get me to stop something than by disappointing my parents. I can't handle guilt at all. They weren't mad, I don't think. Just really confused. Confused and shaken. Like, my dad, who you all know best for his Fonzie-like appearance... well, I know him better for his Fonzie-like countenance. I've never even known him to cry. But still, he sounded... well, really scared. So I tried to explain myself, all the while pretty much having already decided that I don't want them worrying about me. I couldn't take that, and neither could they. They need no additional ulcers.

And then it opened a bunch of other doors, just like these things always tend to do. Are my classes going all right? Yes, pretty much A's on everything, with the occasional B+ to still piss me off. Am I stressed out? Is that why I decided to try this? No, not at all. Even when I do have a lot to do (very occasionally), I find it sort of... orienting. Like, good to know I still can get things done. Am I generally happy? Yes, probably more so than I've ever been. Do I have too many jobs? Possibly, but not so much that I can't handle them. I just wish I had more time to watch hockey playoffs with Andrea :P If any, I would probably drop the IMPE job because it is neither as high paying or as beneficial as the other two. Besides, they are all sort of crazy there. The other day, I guess a paper trail finally caught up to me, and it turns out I accidentally skipped a shift at Huff a week ago (It would seem that I am upside down dyslexic, and that 6's and 9's have important differences, especially with a 1 in front of them), and I'm really not looking forward to the little Nuremburg Trial I'm going to have to go through to explain myself. "I thought I worked on the 19th, not the 16th." "CRUCIFY HIM!" But! That was before I even tried my little experiment, so leave that one alone, all right. I still make regular mistakes, too.

But now I'm worried. Not because I can't stop or some stupid shit like that. I just fear that my honesty before will make them distrust me now. Which doesn't sound like it makes a whole lot of sense, does it? "The truth shall set you free," they say. Dunno about that. Because now, even though I have pretty much determined that my little experiment is over, will they believe me? I mean, I could have easily hidden this first little spell from everybody, but I didn't, because I am typically not that sort of guy, I hope. But, maybe they'll think I'm capable of hiding it now or not stopping, and they'll continue to worry, and I really don't want to lose their trust like that. The issue is resolved in my mind, but somehow I doubt that they'd say the same. Will every weird little quote I stick in here be seen as some veiled reference about my withdrawl? Looking through my little notepad file I keep for those sort of things, I can even see how you might see that, and it worries me:

"I can't lie, and I can't act. I can only tell the truth. Luckily, if I can convince myself that what I am saying is the truth, then there's no way you could tell otherwise."

"I want you so badly. Too bad that you�re too bad for me. You love me. And I like you. But I got to, got to, get you."

But yeah, if there is one thing I really don't like, it's people being disappointed in me. I guess they were just talking to family yesterday about how I'm doing well in my classes and have three jobs and am maybe sort of dating a cute girl, and I don't want to let them down. I hope they believe that. I know it wasn't like me, and maybe that's why I gave it a shot. I just wanted to see how things could be different. And I bet some people will judge, and I guess I'll have to do deal with that. Do I wish I hadn't wrote about it? Naw, I guess not. Secrets are a lot more worrisome in my mind. Anyway, for me, the issue is resolved. I wouldn't want this diary to devolve into "The Self-Destructive Downfall of a Vicks Junkie" or some shit. Back to entries making fun of you personally. Bye.