04/05/2004 - 3:19 a.m. | what i wouldn't do to be friends with you

Listen, I can't go to sleep until I catch up on two days' worth of diary entries, doesn't matter how tired or smashed I am, so I'd better get banging, right? Yesterday, I finally got around to doing some laundry while watching the very best that the Disney Channel has to offer. Did you know that the world had such a huge problem with a guy cooking? I had no idea; I even thought it was sort of cool. But it would seem that cooking alienates a guy from his baseball-playin' friends and the cheerleaders and especially his parents. His dad had no sympathy at all. Now I know; chefs are gay. Silly of me not to realize. Watched the missing "Scurbs" episodes (and ignored the IMs from all of Spritz's friends... wish I had friends), commited a little mail fraud, a little burglary, whatever. Kyle burst in to tell me that he had poo'd himself a little; I told him to put on a towel before he threw his undies out. And I finally found my Dismemberment Plan CD, filling in a sadly large void in my life.

After I got dolled up just a little bit (just enough to show off my eyes and that I am not such a hideous demon freak), I went to Krannet to meet Lisa for the Kronos Quartet show, which we had planned to see a long, long time ago. Unfortunately, in an entirely uncharacteristically Kyle-like move, Lisa misplaced the tickets. I went back to her place while she scoured for them and freaked out. She eventually did find them (in the last place she thought to look, of course), but by the time we got there, it was already too late. We contemplated sneaking in somehow (but it would have been hard enough finding our seats, let alone getting past the ushers), and I suggested that we pull the fire alarm and simply return during the ensuing madness, but I guess we weren't up for such illegal activities, so instead we drove to Cafe Kopi and hung out there for a while.

Despite all of my misogyny, it was a good reminder that there are people out there who are still capable of understanding me. Her peach shake was made with real peaches, which was actually very confusing for me. It tasted like dough. Lis told me about her new boyfriend, but she has this uncanny way of giving me more than enough ammo to last a lifetime. Forget I said anything, though; I'm not supposed to talk about it. And I noted how it was funny how she once upon a time wanted me to improve myself and how I've gotten closer to that on my own than anything, what with my double major and three jobs and everything (yes, that's correct - I did get the job at The Buckle... Details are pending, but there was talk of "benefits," which is completely nuts to me); I think she was about to question me on my passion of my pursuits, but then I would have called her on being the biggest hypocrite ever, so it's good she stopped herself. Even if I'm not looking, if I never, ever want to look even... I'm just glad that people could understand if I let them, and it is my fault that I don't. She lent me some CDs (Erasure among them) and then I came home, fully intent on this night actually going out or doing something blah blah blah. But, like I said, I have no idea what I want right now. I can't even begin to wrap my head around it. I don't want a serious relationship; I don't want a fling. So instead I just go to sleep early again, while everyone else has like six people flocking around them. I'm not bitter, just confused. Is it because I don't try or what? Just my inherent flaws. Eh.

I'm so tired I can barely think, so just let this be, OK? I had a really weird dream last night. I dreamt that someone was bringing the toys alive to take over the world (like Lego skeleton pirate ships, which I always believed they should have made, except now it's all franchises, so it'd be like the Harry Potter Star Wars skeleton pirate ship), and I was in the toy store where it was happening. I desperately wanted to warn this father and son to get the hell out, but they only spoke Spanish, and I was having the hardest time explaining myself, what with the conugation and stuff. Ever slept sitting up in a chair? I feel like I would like to try. Carrying on. I got two phone calls this more. One was a weird "wish you were here" from Shelly, when I have been especially trying to make people wish I were not there. Must I fail at everything? The other from Justin, coming over soon, so I tried to hurry myself along. Failed at that, too, but I do wish I could be some sort of traveling minstrel later along in life. We watched "I Want a Famous Face" on MTV, and I am glad to know that all that plastic surgery is just as sickening as you'd hope it would be. We tried playing some Nintendo, but it's like a one in five chance that it'll work, so we headed out to get a movie instead.

Feeling strangely uninspired. I remember people better than I thought; I blame all the eye contact. I assume everyone likes me if they give me eye contact. Hell, I even assume it if they do not. Inspired by the "Famous Face" episode about Kate Winslet, we got Heavenly Creatures. I stopped at Walgreens to serve my time as a bitch to Garnier Fructis (It smells purdy, so I am fooled) and to get some toilet paper because it has just been plain old hell without out, you know? The movie was all right. I dunno - I think I was the only one who stayed awake all the way through, since Kyle had been out adventuring or something since God knows when. Right now, I must admit, I don't know what to think of him. I don't know what's going on at all. Anyway, the movie was maybe sort of disturbing, but at least it had a natural progression, and that's the most you can ask with these types of things sometimes.

We walked back to Green St. again for dinner and then again later to go to bingo. In the space between, we watched TV and tried to beat Mario, which I might have been able to do, but certainly not now. Picking up train rides and all that. Man, this is just not going anywhere.

Of anything, I need the confidence boost the most, and that's what makes me the saddest. I sometimes do wish I were hot, but then what? I just have a feeling my existence would get even shallower. But still.... to be good looking. What a different experience. We got to bingo late. Seems that one time I went and got really, really smashed, I actually had a winning card, but I was sort of too busy lying on the bench and singing to myself to worry about it. So, I'm not a complete loser. And I did win tonight. Twice in the same round even. I got into the crazy Full Body Shambo, which is like Rock-Paper-Scissors, except you act it out as either a bear, ninja, or gunslinger. I did surprisingly well (despite the fact that that one guy I sat by with Michelle the one time was now against me), getting second place and a box of Little Debbie Easter shit.

We stumbled back home, more amused than we came, and attempted to finish Mario, but any fine tuning our skills had received went immediately down the terlet. OK, good enough now.