03/10/2004 - 1:06 a.m. | so cruelly you kissed me

I think my favorite part of life is when the absolutely bizarre shit starts to get mundane. If I could travel back and time and tell my younger self that someday I would wake up everyday to work as a crossing guard, sleep, go to class, sleep, class, crossing guard again, inevitably break my bike in a hurry to get somewhere, carry said bike on my shoulder across several blocks, and be generally happy about all of this, I have no idea what my response would be. Meanwhile, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the bathroom smells like stale vagina. Is that OK? Am I allowed to say that? I wouldn't want to upset my benefactors. Mom, Dad? We cool?

So, I'm religious now. I saw this bumper sticker today: "Eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?" And I thought, "Well, shit - I don't like smoking very much, and I would hate to spend eternity in it, so shit! You've sold me, Mr. Bumper Sticker!" I tried to chase down the car to find out specifically which religion is best, but they were too fast. More importantly, yet another score on the letter writing front: Free package of Monopoly deed cards! Yeah, yeah! Now, anytime someone's like, "Damn! This sucks! I lost Marvin Gardens," I can solve the problem then and there. Unless someone else asks for Marvin Gardens, at which point I will have to write another letter, and that probably isn't healthy because the one I got today was stuffed with what I believe to be asbestos.

At least I am not schizophrenic. I really enjoy beng aloof. I figure the world needs at least a little of it back from me, so you just keep right on looking at me there. I showered in the dark, although not exactly on purpose. Still, sort of, uh... interesting. Most of the afternoon was wasted in an attempt to study (learn) for the biopsych test, which required the additional step of not immediately falling alseep. How can a book possibly make drugs and transexuals boring? Tell me that. They're talking about crazy half penis vaginas, and I'm like, yawn. At least it isn't the damn eyes again. But! Here is an interesting fact about the eyes! Studies have shown that people typically just those with the widest pupils as being most attractive. I just spent about ten minutes inspecting, and I must admit that even pupilally I am not so hot.

I found Kelley Mandolini's Xanga today. You'll be glad to know that she still has gargantuan boobs. Also still hangs out with Ellie Fraser who looks like a total drunkoloid to me. And man, do I hate unicycles. It's a good thing I'm not a drinking man, or those motherfuckers would be on their asses a long time ago. Instead, I'm trying to use my burning wit to develop some scathing t-shirt slogans. All I've got so far is "Unicycles are for fags," but I don't want to really associate the poor, misjudged homosexuals with something as absolutely wretched as unicycling.

I'm gonna jump ahead a little. Yousaf (the dearly departed) and I went out to Meijer for various savings on juice and dented cans of Pringles, and then we came back to watch American History X. Edward Norton was amazing in it (the 30 extra pounds of muscle didn't hurt), but I thought the ending was a bit of cop out. Also, how Mr. Matthews from "Boys Meets World" was apparently responsible for all of Derek's racism. That's what I never understood about racism. Hating somebody for the way the way they were born - their religion or race or country of origin - is stupid. Hating them for the things they do later in life, however, like being fat, say, or riding a unicycle at least makes a little sense. Anyway, I was glad to know that even the most offending racist can be fixed by a wacky black guy. Jerry Bruckheimer would be pleased.

We had a meeting at IMPE tonight. The things are almost entirely useless for me, but I'm there, aren't I? Let's see... A campus police officer came in and gave us advice, like how we should send somebody out to covertly follow anyone who tries to run off if they get caught doing something wrong. I volunteer for this job. Chaser guy. And, of course, more efforts to try to get me, personally, to sign up to recertify for CPR. You just keep right on praying. We played the longest game of Campus Rec Jeopardy in recorded history. It's good to know that I've been there two years, and I still know almost absolutely nothing at all about anyone or any specific rule or anything. That's what you get for isolating me. Doug made it a special point to tell people to stop surfing the web on the card swiping commericials and that he knew that however they tried to lock down the computers, someone would find a way around. I swear that like three or four people turned around and looked at me. My converts. They are trying to make a training DVD, which I think would be awesome to get in on and make completely bizarre. But few share my vision of twisting the very mundane like that, so perhaps I should just go to sleep. Heaven forbid I try to meet people.

And, of course, a thousand pardons if I am ambivalent.