01/12/2004 - 9:23 p.m. | poisonous miasma

Unfortunately for me, I never stop thinking. Fortunately for you, I will only puke out a few supporting thoughts here and there. But, without structure, I hardly know where to begin.

I've made it a three-peat, to use the lame phrase once coined to described the Bulls' non-sucking winning streak. I've been out of the house now, three days in a row. Never entire of my own volition, but never really against it either. Tonight, I went to a basketball game at Serena High School with my dad. This is uncharacteristic of me. Can I say I really enjoyed myself? Maybe not in the classic sense, but I more or less enjoy myself everywhere I go.

I get sucked into people watching, so that I'm not even entirely aware that I do it. I don't talk, and I'm not sure I ever will talk, but I absorb things like you wouldn't believe. And there is some allure those Serena High girls have. Not really an attraction, I don't think, although their parts are all coming into place nicely. Taryn's little friends from way back when have all sprouted boobs and butts and long, straight here. This is besides the point. There is just something refreshing about it. They still play games, but they are a little closer to the kids' games I remember instead of the adult games I am supposed to be playing now. And am continuing to ignore, as you have no doubt guessed. Just untainted (or mostly untainted) by sex and frats and drinking and drugs and whatever. I feel my age, but then, I've been feeling that for years.

If I could just pass my years watching people unnoticed, I would probably do it. So much for that, though. I have developed a credit card scheme that I honestly believe could work. It's not too complicated - it would require some work - but it could be done. And I am fascinated by lockpicking. I understand the principles fairly well, but my tools (paper clips and masking tape) are rather lacking. While I wait for the modem to try and connect over and over, I mess with the lock on the desk. Never a wasted moment.

The one thing about people watching is that it makes me want to drink. I don't know why that is. Maybe so I didn't remember it with such crisp detail, that the world is passing me by without so much as a sideways glance. Also, I really feel like I should smoke, except that I cannot or will not smoke. But the need remains. I am sort of... hmmm... melancholy. :|

We visited my grandparents yesterday, and my grandpa was wearing a festive scarf. Not like an outdoor scarf. More of the fashion flare sort of thing. And my grandma was telling us this story about how the snow plows had covered all the shoveled sidewalks. She said, "We were all so mad. Julie called City Hall." I don't know why, but it really struck me as funny. Got a problem? Call fucking City Hall! Wish I had a City Hall to phone my grievances to. Notice how it is capitalized like that. That's important. But yeah, the thing is, then City Hall went and did something about it. They cleared out Julie's driveway. And then, even stranger, it seems City Hall called my grandma. They noticed her water bill was a lot higher than usual and asked if there might be a leak somewhere. Turns out there was one, too. I want to live in a city like that maybe. Or one that completely swallows me. I haven't decided. But I am getting fairly annoyed with the fact that we have to drive thirty minutes to get anywhere. Bitch, bitch.

Speaking of puke (look like six paragraphs up), at the basketball game on the way out, this little kid puked all over. Some got on my dad's shoe, but I was again lost in the crowd. It's weird.

Once I finally got around to just making plain old death threats to Yousaf, he threw my computer together right quick. I honestly don't think I am ready for that sort of change. "late at night, drunk on wine / we fall in bed and intertwine"

Notice how everything costs money? Yeah, I'm trying to cut back on that because funds are pretty slim right now. I'm not even exactly sure how - well, I am and I'm not - but I'll just hold my breath and wait for the tide to pass. Living is cheap as long as you don't want stuff, and unfortunately, I am still very materialistic. And for me, it's more quantity than quality. That's a shame, isn't it? Anyway, the more I think about it, what with bills and books and everything, the more I think it's probably best if I shoot for a simple life this semester. Try and get a few more hours of work (hopefully not at IMPE), eat simply, stay home, etc.

More shameful still is the disturbing lack of good vampire porn out there on the internet. Now, seriously, I am really very disappointed by this. I mean, I know my cardboard box robot thing is especially weird and no one besides me would ever make it, but God almighty, there are tons and tons of vampire freaks out there and what the hell are they doing with themselves? This worries me. This is not a field that I wanted to get into, but I might have to make a few pornos just to fill in some crucial holes.

No pun intended.

What is my dream, though? I would like to make music videos. Perhaps I am wrong, but I feel I have a natural talent for coming up with images that connect with music. I have vision, for lack of a better phrase. But how does one even approach that industry? Here's how I figure: I will be an advertising fag, move up from the small time to big with my bold vision, end up directing TV commercials, and then just a hop, skip, jump, etc. from there to videos.

I would, and this is the truth here, hit both of the Hilton sisters really, really, REALLY hard in the head. With my fists alone at first and then with some sort of implement. Like a shovel or something.

I am so weirdly light on my feet. Not, like, smoove or good or anything. Just this quirky, odd retardation that I don't even understand myself. Lithe even.

HAHAHAHHA! I don't know why I am so lucky! I really don't know why! We just got our schedules for work next semester, and I have the two easiest places - AGAIN! I am a man! I am getting paid to do my homework and waste time! At least the luck balances, that's all I fucking have to say! Luck has nothing to do with it. I feel as though, and this is conceited, I am aware, that all of my efforts, everything I am doing, is combining in me for some very important purpose. Allow me my dreams, at least.

Everyone's problems seem so much more important than my own. Then again, I really don't really have any problems to being with. I could be cute! I'm so close!!

Incidentally, this was all written last night, but Diaryland was down for a bit. Currently, my parents are watching American Pie, and I refuse to watch it with them. And, as far as I can tell, with good reason. My mom screaming, my dad cackling more gleefully than I have ever heard him. Yes, it is good that I remain. Topping the list are Kate Mara, Courtney Peldon, and Amber Tamblyn. What list, you ask? Never you mind. Anyway, I am very disappointed whenever I find a discrepancy on IMDB. Admittedly, they are very rare, but I do find them, and it enrages me to no end. Put me on staff, you fucks! Staffff!!!