11/09/2003 - 12:37 p.m. | is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

I am so sick and tired of losing my fucking entries. I don't even know what happened that time. I went to look something up on imdb, and when I came back, it was gone. *takes a pill*

OK, so the morning went by pretty much as I said it would. Waited forever for a haircut at fucking BoRics (on the plus side, I read like 3 issues of "Us" so now I'm all caught up on where Ben and J. Lo are these days), tanned, got a vaguely threatening phone call from Justin. We talked as I rode home (impressive, no?) and made plans for the afternoon. Upon arriving back here, I tried to flatten my hair and make my eyes look a little less dried out and frigtening. You tell me if it worked.

Anyway, Justin and Lisa came by, and we went out to lunch at La Bamba (note the lack of an apostrophe s, all right?), which I had been craving for a long, long time, but I guess I'm not assertive enough to ask anyone. Hm. They have one of those love tester machines there. I am always intrigued by the idea but equally reluctant to ever try it because it would only confirm what a terrific loser I am. Stupid truth hurts.

We drove to Savoy listening to Ted Leo, which is pretty much all I need, man. I am looking forward to seeing him big time (concert is this Saturday @ the Union Courtyard Cafe - $4 for students $5 for you fools... Come come come!).

The movie was not as bad as I had been told. It was not good, of course, but certainly tolerable. Worse then the second one (which, in turn, was worse than the first), but at least the freak sitting next to me (not Justin) was having a good time. Actually, "good time" doesn't completely describe his experience. "Cinematic blowjob" works a little better, I think. Anyway, I was kind of annoyed by the quasi-religious tones at the end - actually, pretty much everything about the ending ticked me off, but based upon what I knew was coming, I guess I wasn't supposed. And yes, I note the irony of using machines to fight machines. Just die already. Also, I like how this was supposed to be the big American premiere for Italian actress Monica Bellucci when pretty much all she did was sit around with big boobs and her cherry Fruit Rollup dress. Yes, I smell a spinoff for you, baby.

Came home, ate ice cream bars, and tried to decide what to do for the next several hours. I guess I sometimes miss having friends who ask me to do things, except I don't really deserve, I guess, because I am so frequent to avoid them and/or be an asshole that I can see why they wouldn't want me around. Repent! Repent! I will try. Anyway, I finally decided that I would go and rent a movie and get some hair dye, and then dye my hair while watching the movie. Huh? Huh? Good idea, right? God, I'm so domestic. Anyway, by the time I finally got my shit together and was about to head out the door, Kyle was back from work, so we went together and sang R.E.M. :) Much better. Still sort of on our vampire kick, we rented John Carpenter's Vampires (as opposed to John Goodman's or John Leguizamo's Vampires, as we constantly joked) and Kyle bought a bunch of bizarre VHS anime for a buck each. Like Volume 3 of The Adventures of 8th Man and weird shit like that. I dunno - I'm impressed.

Came home, and with not enough time to get another real done, we watched this porn about a singer (who could actually sort of singer, although the drummer made me want to drill my eyes out), complied the start of a tentative mix CD, and cooked fucking cheddar brats or something. In case you haven't been so lucky as to try them, Aldi presents brats that squirt hot cheese in your face when you bite them! Yum! To wash it down, we had some of his Aldi orange Gatorade ripoff: INFUSE!! Man, the stuff is just shit terrible! It tastes like Kool Aid without the sugar in it. And yet, you keep convincing yourself that it might be good this time, and you take another drink. Nope, still ass. We are going to keep buying it until we love it.

We were going to try and hit Borders before picking Brytne up, but food and good deeds took too long, so we just sort of killed time in the vestibule of Office Depot, once again trying not to set off the motion-activated doors. I got really close this time, but I still failed :( At least it was sort of a spectacle for the workers there.

Couple of quick stops (OK, mostly I just mean ogling Sarah Lucas through the window - she was wearing little tiny shorts and perching on a stool, for God's sake! She is the perfect female specimen, I've decided. Except perhaps for Chelsea on "Mike's Super Short Show" - damn that tennis skirt! Damn it to hell!), and then I hurriedly put the dye in my hair so we could start. Kyle kept pointing out how stupid I looked. This from the boy who wore his hair waxed up in idiotic spikes all day on Thursday. In public. Mm-hmm. Anyway, the movie was not very good. I mean, if you can suspend belief for a bit - and logic - and not actually question the vampire hunters' techniques (which Kyle was completely unable to do - "Why don't they just blow up the house?! The sunlight would just fry 'em all up without any danger!" "Because, Kyle, then there wouldn't be a movie for us to watch..."), it still was just really stupid - and that's even with the constant efforts of Daniel Baldwin (the fat one)! Strangely misogynistic movie, too. And James Woods as a Christ figure? WTF. He just kept making dick jokes at awkward times. I guess that was character. Mostly, though, what ruined the movie for me was this one alternating shot of James Woods and this house he was going to break into and kill vampires. It'd be like: Zooming in on his face, show the other hunters getting the gear our, zoom in on the house, closer on his face, closer on the house, show the hunters readying their respective weapons, even closer on his face, closer on the door, eyes, doorknow, OHMYGODSOSCARY. Fucking stupid slow zoom in. Anyway, we had to take a break so I could wash out the dye and stop the burning. It looks... about the same, really. Just sort of this barely noticeable red undertone to my hair, which is exactly what I wanted.

Kyle and Brytne went to bed soon after that, and I got ready for the party, turning up the music like the angst-ridden teen in a broken home. Drown out the screams, man! Once I had myself situated, I headed out into the night - no coat because coats are for wusses and I certainly don't need one more thing to keep track of. Stopped by Dank's to see if he wanted to come... No dice :( Went and got Will at the frat, which was having a pledge dance, I guess. Gansta themed. Crazy frats. He changed and we headed over the party. Balls. $4 to get in, and when we checked around back, it was dead as hell. It could wait. Back to the frat where we tried to find something to do (I got bubbles in my hair and some drunkard tried to smash me in a handshake. I hate people like you, you know that?). This failed, so we walked over to someone's afterhours thing. This also sucked. We saw a party on the way there, though, so we tried going back to that. Vanished. Back to the first party, which seemed busier, but still not enough to warrant the four dollars. We walked back to the frat and decided to call it a night. We suck at life. Sorry, Will.

Anyway, I was starting to head home when this whole crowd of girls asked me if I know where 506 S. Fourth Street was. The party! Taking it as a good omen, I walked them there and went in myself. It was not a good omen.

I was literally the only white person there. That's a new one. I don't think I've ever been such a painfully obvious minority before. It's a learning experience, I guess. Anyway, after the initial surprise, I wasn't really bothered by it. I mean, I figured if they were cool with me, then I had nothing to worry about. But, uh, I don't think they were cool with me. I just danced, you know, and I figured I'd blend in because I wasn't really bothering anyone, but apparently that was what bothered people. That or because I was just a stupid gringo trying to dance (hehe - "gringo..." It was a party for after the Latino Fashion Show, after all). I dunno - I could hear them mocking me (actually, I could see it too), and I mostly ignored them, but after maybe an hour, I decided that if they really didn't want me there, I should just go.

Some thoughts: OK, I'm not really pissed off or anything. Just sort of sad, I guess. I mean, it's their party, and even though I was technically invited, I guess I didn't belong. And maybe their mocking hurt my feelings a little, but it's not as though I don't know I'm awkward or can't dance or am just another lame ass white guy. Still, it sucks to be reminded maybe?? Anyway, I can't help but take the criticism to heart. Maybe I should approach people more? I mean, not as a grinding, horny idiot because I just don't want to do that, and I never, ever could anyway ;) But I should at least be friendly because I really don't want people to think I'm arrogant or conceited or something. I hope I'm not at least. I'm just really, really shy, and I assume I am bothering everyone anytime they don't specifically ask me for something, and I know that's messed up, but I have good intentions, really. Being forward is just directly associated with being a jerk in my mind, and it's really hard to get over that. I wish people would talk to me and come up to me, but that's not how things work. I have to be aggressive, and that's really hard to justify in my mind. I dunno - part of it is that I take things too personally. I mean, rejection is a terrible thing, but acceptance isn't really that good either. And I know these thoughts are silly, but I am so used to them that fighting them can take all my energy. And it makes me want to give up, I guess, when I know that's exactly what I can't do. I just have to keep at it until I finally do internalize the things I know are obviously true.

Anyway, I came home and tried to write, decided it wasn't worth it, and went to sleep. Now I've pretty much been trying to work on this all morning, with a break to make Nessers a template for her new diary (if she likes it, I'll link because I think it's really cute!) and in 4 hours, I have to work at IMPE with a bunch of strangers, and so the challenge starts all over again. Ha.