09/03/2003 - 8:38 p.m. | nineteen... is not the age of reason

Trapped in Freer Hall from 5 until 11 or so. As far as gyms go, it's probably the best. I don't have to do anything (it's dead, in fact) work-related, and I have a semi-working card-swiping comptar so I can hack the gibson and use AIM and junk, and there's a supply closet with fairly entertaining things... but I think the loneliness is getting to me. *sigh* Moments earlier, I actually wrote something completely different and very stupid, but common sense got the better of me just before I was about to post. This is not how I want to go about things, even though I know they'll be a colassal failure however I go about it. Perhaps it's the heat in here. Or the hunger. Or the insanity of the last several days. Would I really be so bad? Yes, probably. I've got annoying tendencies. I just feel at the end of my tether right now, and when that happens, I get gabby.

So?! What's been new? Um, on Monday, I worked and slept and rode my bike. Monday was useless. On Tuesday, I went to class, slept, and went to class. More useless. Actually, the afternoon got better for a while, but then it got worse, and I've been sort of feeling crappy again. I know, I know. I shouldn't. I just don't like it when I screw something up, even if it's tiny or fixable or whatever.

Lately, I've been taking lots and lots of bike rides, weaving throughout Urbana late at night (not Champaign - there's a little crime map in the office here and there about 6 times as many incidents in Champaign as there are here). It's the only thing that makes me happy lately... Well, not happy so much as... focused on something less bad. I ride around in circles in parking lots a lot, and I've got down to Japan House and sat on a bench for an hour or so, and I've taken trips on the pitch-black, bumpy, shit-stinking paths way down south. People are starting to worry. Let them worry. It's the only good thing I feel like I've got right now. I'm usually interested in class once I get there, but convincing myself that all of it is worthwhile is a little tougher lately. I'm just glad I have a few good friends to back me up when I need them.