08/17/2003 - 9:44 p.m. | and what�s nate without his depraved fantasies?

Sorry I didn�t write, but I had a harpoon lodged in my heart, and they said I probably shouldn�t strain myself. I hope to find myself on �102 Amazing Things Found in the Human Body.� Doctor: �Well, this was the first time I�d ever really seen anything like this, so it was very unusual.� Thank you, Doc.

Stayed up until I got �the knock� on Friday night (then you know it�s late) and woke up at 7:30. Got ready and was fairly ornery. Like in the good way. Doug arrived, and we took off in the wagon (!!) to Aurora. On the way, I showed Mom how to make balloon animals, and she and Tina cackled at the resemblance of the balloons to male genitalia. Infants. I made her a hat, and to her credit, she wore it for most of the day (until everyone else made fun of her, and she gave up). At the train station, it was crowded as hell, so a pissy conductor opened another line for tickets. �NO FIFTIES!!� Actually, pretty much all the staff were angry. �We hate being paid to serve you! Hate it!� I purchased a bagel at the little shitty coffee place, and although I expected the very best from the train station bakeries, I swear (I mean � absolutely swear) that my bagel was blueberry onion. And this, unfortunately, is not as good as it sounds.

Train ride was fine, whatever. Crowded because of all the people wanting to go see airplanes and boats spin around. Midway along there, I think I had a bit of a panic attack, but I prefer to not speak of it. Even if I don�t like everyone, however, I don�t want anyone to die. Make note of that. Arrived and headed towards the cheap theatre ticket place to see if we could catch a show or something. By the way, I am totally loving my satchel. And you can all just eat it. Got tickets for �I Love You, You�re Perfect, Now Change� (a musical) and then bopped on down to Michigan Avenue, first stopping for frozen lemonade, bacon (to go!), and this bizarre moss drink I dared my mom to get.

I think I was the only one of us who spent any money. Bought a bunch of CDs at Virgin Megabooty (including the Fantastic Plastic Machine CD I�ve been looking for forever!), a sweet ass t-shirt from the Disney Store (let�s not spoil the surprise), and the very b-day gift I had been arguing with that pissant Michelle with from the Sharper Image (Key Finder 3000 or something). We also stopped at a Godiva �chocolatier� � most expensive strawberries ever (Tina dropped a little of hers, so I ate it off the ground), but Jesus Christ! Dark chocolate. Moan. Who needs girls? Who can get them anyway?

The afternoon of decadence continued at the Cheesecake Factory, where Doug and I got slices to eat while in the adjacent hotel, picking out a restaurant. If that sentence didn�t make sense, rewrite it, and I�ll give you a blowjob. There, no takers. Seriously, though. Food is so good sometimes. We decided to head towards this tapas place (Spanish � you order a bunch of these tiny dishes and share them all), which made me a touch nostalgic. Queso de cabra is amazing, simply amazing. And I like saffron! Yes!!

Much more walking to get to the theatre. It was hot, but by no means unbearable. Two little kids had a lemonade stand � awww! � so we had to get some. I�d like to set one up at U of I, but all I�d get would be a punch in the face. Arrived at the theatre (pretty small � same place Doug, Mom, and I went last time) and an ogre promptly sat in front of me so I couldn�t see anything. The whole play was me dancing around in my seat to try and see in front of him. The musical itself was pretty cute. Series of songs and skits and shit about relationships. It got a little sappy towards the end, but I expect that�s what people want. Scary cab ride back to the train station, and I was sort of down and pained (the reason of which I could not pinpoint), but a milkshake helped that a little.

Train was cold as hell (er��� witch�s teat), but not crowded at least. I tried to sleep, but I was in one of those single person seats on the upper level, so I was required to get into the tightest fetal position possible. Freezing! Arrived back in a pretty timely manner and then we stopped at the Roundhouse. I ordered a Coke, took a sip, and promptly fell asleep, at which point someone took my Coke away, which really sort of ticks me off because I was thirsty when I woke an hour later. Journeyed back home (I slept in the rumble seat!) and then stayed up for the usual 2 � 3 hours. Which amazes me.

Woke up today at 11 and watched Rush Hour. Weird little twinge of Asian fetish kicked in. Ignore. I also ate like 3 bowls of Rice Krispies Treats cereal. I can eat a lot when it has no direct positive benefit to me. From there, I greasily (because I hadn�t showered, see?) went outside to paint the gutters and scream Ben Kweller. Apparently, I am a very slow painter, but this is because I was going for quality (unlike the factory). It wasn�t too hot out, but I had a little army of sweat bees following me the whole time. They tickled. Showered and watched Men in Black on TV with my dad. My life is so full of speed and productivity. Started to read, but Mom woke up from her nap and asked if I wanted to make pillows. OK, using the sewing machine isn�t too hard, but I should probably still learn about hand stitches and what all the insane dials on her 30 year old machine do.

Speaking of nateskills, I was talking to Kyle last night, and I�m making better progress on the old list than I thought. I can make the goatse cookies, I�m getting back into balloon animals, I�ve got pizza making down except for the crazy dough flipping, I�m doing nerdy D&D shit all the time, I just bought a lockpick tool, I�ll learn Morse code in a couple of weeks, I think, and I�m gonna apply to be a notary public as soon as I get back to school. Seriously, I don�t think that�s too bad at all. See what having nothing better to do does for you?

Had some bruschetta for dinner, so my breath is now ass (which bothers me to no end) and then we all watched what I�ve recorded thus far on my video camera. I�m not sure if my parents understood it, but like I said, it needs editing. Perhaps I�ll do 4 years of filming and then just make one batshit insane video. Because I�m lazy now, see? Two days left of work. That�s cake. You just slap the �1-800� in front of �collect.� I swear.