08/29/2003 - 3:54 p.m. | my diary is much better than yours

No, seriously. TONS better. You have no idea. And I'm hotter than you too. Probably.

That cord I decided to unplug a minute ago? Yeah, that was the power cord. Stupid, Nate. Stupid. I'm at Freer again, of course, this time with the laptop in my... lap. Yeah. I guess this is the opportune position in which to covertly watch porn, as can be evidenced by the sheer number of porn links in the history. Milfhunter.com indeed. Also, I brought a cord in today so that I can listen to CDs on computer with my (Kyle's) Discman. I am so smart. Handsome, too.

It's really starting to get cold out, isn't it? And since I only have a flimsy army surplus jacket, you might think I'd be worried... but I'm not! For this year, once again, I will be building up a tolerance to the cold. Thank you, Dad. You have made this brutal, brutal world a little easier to survive in. Actually, I've just taken up a new frantic pace on my bicycle. This works twofold in that I get to where I'm going faster and that I'm so exhausted and sweaty by the time I get there that I wouldn't want a coat if you gave it to me.

I spent almost an hour (gasp!) - an HOUR - on Monday reading Five Women Who Loved Love for JLit, and it was apparently for jack shit because we watched a movie today. I mean, it wasn't a bad movie (about kabuki, noh, and puppet theatre in Japan - filled with lots of things that it seemed only I found hilarious... like a guy falling out of the ceiling... Then again, as I was screaming at Michelle last night, some people find some things funny without having to resort to hideous guffaws, etc., etc.), but I was bothered mostly by the principle. An hour of my life wasted!! I can't afford to waste that time! Har har. Stupidface McBigboob sat across from me today, and her cleavage was running rampant. If I though gigantic boobs were attractive AT ALL, this might have been a pleasant experience. As is, however, I mostly wanted to bounch stuff off them. Pennies and little pieces of candy and small toy boats and so on. Professor Pastreich kept staring at me - only me - during his short lecture. This is unnerving. Why does everyone do this? The lady from my crazy group does it a lot, too. A less educated person might say I just have one of those faces, except most people think I look pissed off and are repulsed by me. Look at my winning smile, you fucks!

So, with the confidence of an LAS student, I have already begun to predict my final grades for this semester. Hint: I suck at anything involving math. So, here's how I see it: JLit - A; Journalism - A-; Advertising - A; Econ - B; Stats - B-. Stupid math. I'm just not that type of thinker. I can understand english and psychology and history so well, and I can retain them, but I just have never been very good at solving problems. Or caring about them either, I suppose. I lack vision?

Kristen Ware (my old "boss" at Kenney) works at Panera now; she made me a chai which, while was too small, was really, really good.

Today is crazy group we talked about assertiveness. Actually, they talked; I mostly thought. I guess I never really thought about it before, but am I a people pleaser? Am I too nice? I dunno - it seems inconceivable to me. In my mind, it feels like you could never be TOO nice. I mean, I care about other people's feelings, and I don't want to hurt anyone, and I certainly try my best, but I still mess up, and I still feel awful about it, I still feel like I could improve, you know? I mean, I'm sort of the polite sort of nice, but I don't know how nice I actually am. Like, I say mean things as jokes, and I'm not all that outgoing at all, and I'm sort of moody, and yeah - I could be a whole lot nicer. And yet I'm told that I'm already too nice. Maybe I am, but it just seems wrong. If I tried to tone it down a little or become a little more aggressive, I would just feel like an asshole. And I can't tell if that makes me a good person or a heel. Spritz and Kyle were having this conversation about how people who don't have good social skills have rigid morals instead to sort of make up for it. Am I one of those? I don't think I'm all that moral, but I certainly don't have the skills on the other side either. Something to ponder, I guess. I'm such a classic case, it's hilarious. Nervous in social situations, people pleaser, trouble expressing feelings. I hope I get this shit sorted, or I dunno what will happen. Who would like me, I mean?

When I got back home, I ate macaroni and cheese until I could no longer function. See, Mom? I'm trying! And instead of using milk, I use cream! How 'bout that, huh?! Everybody's got their plans, and I guess I'm just a little jealous. I'd go to the party tonight, but I rely on safety nets, and it difficult for me to break out on my own. I need to try, though, right? Exhale, buddy.

I got my notary stamp today! "Nathan Walsh - State of Illinois Notary!" Holy crap, the dream is a reality. And yes, of course I realize I will never, ever use it. But the very fact that I could! Ooooooh! I resisted for the longest time, but today I finally caved and looked at the newest Avril posters on ebay. The sheer volume has gone down tons, and hopefully it will stay that way. Once she releases a new album, I'm fucked all over again. Anyway, the good news is there are only like 6 posters I have to get. That's also the bad news.