09/07/2003 - 1:12 p.m. | and what do you make of nights when you thought you�d make much more?

The rest of my night is inconsequential. I ran out on a little errand for Kyle and Brytne, no big deal. Pick up some junk for them at Jimmy John�s. I mean, one, saves them delivery charges, and two, as I previously mentioned, riding my bike is the only thing that makes me really happy these days.

Ask me how many drunks I was attacked by. Just ask me.

Two.

I mean, not punch in the face or anything. They just tried to startle me and cackled like idiots and swore some or something. But all the parties on the streets, all the laughing, talking people crowded in Jimmy John�s, all the cars zooming around. I�m just� I dunno. I�m a little sick of humanity right now. Scratch that. People piss me off. I mean, there are exceptions, of course. Lisa lent me a belt, for instance. And that�s just one example of billions. But sometimes the things that I should just laugh off really bug me. And I know not everyone�s bad, I was telling Lis tonight that not everyone�s bad� but man, sometimes I have trouble believing it. And I just want to sit in here and not come out until they�ve all grown up or I�ve just gone fucking loco. I� well, I honestly feel like crying. I�m just tired of all the misunderstandings and the ignorance and the hatred� and, know what�s worst of all? I�m tired of them not liking me. Am I really so bad? Lots of people think so, I�ve heard.

I feel sick to my stomach.

And I was thinking today� you know how I�ve got all my random, colorful, ironic bullshit? Yeah, why is that? Why do I prefer to listen to happy pop music? Why do I like bright colors? Why do I make so many jokes? Is it because I�m so happy? Hmmm, it doesn�t seem like it, does it? Maybe I just don�t like the thought of being alone with the other stuff. Maybe clinging onto stuff that�s supposed to make me happy is all that I�ve got sometimes. Well, fuck yes, I�ll take pink then. What�s the alternative?

Cancel that. The rest of my night wasn�t inconsequential. I went over to Lisa�s because she went fairly wild about how she was boring because I don�t talk, and I had to try and straighten things out at least. They are better, I think. And we watched bad music videos and she continually tried to make me eat. I don�t like that her sister and a lot of her friends don�t like me, but everyone must take sides, I suppose. I just don�t like being disliked anymore than the next guy. And what she said is right. We are too much alike for us to not be friends. I just hope the weirdness passes. I think it might have a little. Lisa really wants to find new friends, but she is pretty much the same boat as I could be if I still cared. No one really makes an effort, and she�s too afraid to. I tried to give her some advice, but I pointed out along the way that I am a hypocrite because I could never follow what I was saying (�Just go and try to meet people�). Hopefully, her desire will beat out her fear. I hope so. Gives me some hope too! :)

The plan was to build a rickshaw. I�m glad that that particular plan was aborted.